chudblog 19: dreams

April 2, 2026

i hope you dont think i've forgotten about you or anything you know? like i think of you every day even when i dont write a blog, everyday i fight the urge to reach out to you, or i guess need would be a better word, urge makes it sound weird, anyway.

i'll be honest, i am planning on calling you sometime soon, at least by next week, monday or tuesday, tuesday would be too on the nose though, you know it being exactly 3 weeks since we last spoke, i just dont think i can make it a full month, its starting to get really tough not to stalk you, i worry you think i moved on or something but honestly i fear more that you yourself have moved on, i thin kyou havent based on your reposts but who knows, an open wound bleeds for longer than it hurts i guess.

i like to think i have in fact something good to offer this time, i dont want to be unfair by reaching out and setting back your healing process but i think it to be a worthwhile endeavour in a sense, i promise.

chudblog 18: stuff

April 1, 2026

anyways, i noticed i still do that thing where if i think of you i kiss my pillow out of habit, its funny you know, near two months since we broke and i cant shake that off, i also noticed i keep checking my notifications hoping its you, not like truly hoping, like i check them then i think about how i wish it had been you, but it never is, haha.

i went downtown with my friends after uni, i was just looking to buy guitar strings and leave but they made me tag along to get hair dye at pichara, guess who thought about you the whole time haha, actually the whole time i was there i was waiting for you to show up out the corner of my eye, i just wanted to see you, at least from afar, i keep daydreaming about seeing you by chance and us locking eyes for the first time in months, we just stare at each other for a bit before dropping whatever it was we were doing and walking up to each other, i dont think its ever going to happen but hey, its a nice thought.

missing you, hope ur day went well

chudblog 17: dreams

April 1, 2026

you know what i dreamt last night? i was taking pictures in some weird mix of our old school, university and the beach, i was trying to get something to use as an album cover and in between that a marathon started, i tried taking some pictures but i saw you in the middle of it and i ran to my teacher to give him his camera back and get in the race, everyone was like power walking so i caught up to you not long after i joined, we didnt speak though, i stayed a couple of steps ahead of you looking back every so often, i dont remember this middle bit but eventually we were the last two in the race.

it turned into a sort of obstacle race as we walked through a kids playground, we looked in one of the slides and at the top there was a ball pit where every ball was a little club penguin toy, some offbrand and some real so we took a bunch of the real ones and kept going, we were nearing the end and it turned into a bunch of laboratory hallways sort of like that one hawkins map in dbd, anyways a final count or something started and the general idea was that if we didnt escape in time we would die or something, we managed to make it just in time through a portal or something and came out the other side by a rocky beach, there were a couple of shacks and a house in the distance but we went into the nearest one and inside were a bunch of clothes on the ground, a bed, some furniture and tons of clocks on the walls, we were familiar with this place as if we had lived there for some time, we just went into bed and slept, we didnt really talk much in my dream, i remember we spoke a little but i dont know what exactly was said.

chudblog 16: thoughts

March 30, 2026

hey, been a few days hasnt it? i havent been up to much honestly, mostly just hanging out, distracting myself, writing songs and putting off working on uni stuff hehe, i have 2 assingments due tomorrow that im ignoring by writing this, shouldnt surprise you, you know how lazy i am haha. anyways today i went to the hospital to get a blood test appointment that i should have gotten in february but then we broke up and march has been pretty much all over the place so just today i felt able to take the time to go and get it done, spent like 4 hours waiting because there were like 120 people before me and there was only one worker getting through them so yeah, 4 hours waiting in a line, anyways then i went to the mall and at first i was gonna walk from the hospital to the mall but since your campus is right there i didnt want to risk it so i just took a bus.

i guess i couldnt avoid you that well because i thought about you the whole time i was there, i went there mainly to get my debit card renewed but i guess a part of me was sort of, hoping you might be there? i didnt really have much to go off other than how your campus is across the street from the mall so maybe maybe you'd be there having lunch or something? it was very stupid of me honestly, like even if you had been there i would have just ran to avoid you, i've been thinking a lot about you, of course some of it is emotional, remembering the good times and whatnot, but more than anything i've been reflecting, this time apart really got me to see myself in a very different light, i didnt realize how i was hurting you by reaching out if you can believe it, and no it didnt take me 2 weeks to figure this out btw.

anyways i sort of had a lot of time today to think, and for once i dont feel depressed about what happened, i mean it still hurts but i can think about the time we shared good and bad without breaking down so thats progress, of course i wish we had more to share but i understand i wasnt right for you with how much you poured yourself out for me, i am thankful we got to share years of friendship and love with each other and if our story had an end, i choose to look back on it not with regret but with glee that i got to share my life with someone as amazing as you, truthfully, thank you.

chudblog 15: things

March 25, 2026

i dont have much for today honestly lol, i spent most of yesterday cleaning my room, getting rid of old clothes and what not, i found that denim shark bag you made me, i felt kinda dumb cleaning because i was always waiting to find something of ours, even if it were something small like a reciept or anything, i did find that "i love my autistic boyfriend shirt" though, i cant remember the last time i wore it but i do remember thinking about buying another one since the one i had was very worn, oh well.

i´ve been going to bed at reasonable hours lately, class start at 8am every day this semester so im kinda forced to go to bed by 11 or 12, sometimes it takes me a bit to fall asleep but the pills have been keeping me from staying up all night so thats good.

chudblog 14: things

March 24, 2026

its funny how we really are museums of everyone who we've ever loved, i´ve been noticing so many things i still do like you did for no reason, i still cook rice the same way you taught me, i've been getting ice cream on a cone instead of a cup, i still avoid manholes and stuff like you would and other stuff that i probably have so deep in my brain now that i dont even notice, i just thought it was interesting how i carry you in my step without thinking wether i want to or not, i´ll never get rid of you now will i? hehe

hope ur day goes well

chudblog 13: nightmare

March 23, 2026

i had a weird dream last night, more like a nightmare though, i was somewhere in an old west type of town, i was alone, and suddenly a huge explosion went off, nuclear, and after the initial blast i started running and running, i saw people dead or dying before i locked myself up in the attic of a random house, there i looked in the mirror and saw my skin was red, my eyes sunken and my hair falling in clumps, i grabbed my phone and tried calling someone, my mom picked up, she knew what had happened and all i could say to her was that i missed her, how much i missed her, i started to think about all the other people i wouldnt get to say goodbye to and the first that came to mind was you, i begged my mom to tell you id miss you as well but when i did she went quiet, and then the call got disconected, i was alone again, and so i sat there knowing that the last memory you'd have of me would be of pain and resentment.

i dont want the world to end before you and i get a proper goodbye.

chudblog 12: block

March 21, 2026

i noticed you unblocked me on my alt, i imagine you did because you couldnt unblock me on my main since its me who blocked you, anyways i unblocked you on my main, im not shure if it was the smartest choice but whatev

chudblog 11: miss

March 21, 2026

well, its been five days since we last spoke, though i've missed you a ton every single day today i woke up feeling particularly vulnerable, i dont really have an specific reason either, i didnt dream about you or anything, i guess i just miss you, period. i miss your smile, your laugh, our little inside jokes, i miss those little stickers you used to send that i could never figure where you found em, i miss how you´d place fries on my burger when i wasnt looking, i miss your touch, how you´d insist on picking me up, i wish i´d said yes every single time,

i wonder what you miss about me, if anything

chudblog 10: accident

March 20, 2026

i went to get pizza after class with my friends and i swear to god almost order it using your debit card, i mean not really but i thought i did, i was ordering the pizza like normal without thinking when i noticed the order wasnt going through so i went to check if there was something wrong with my account and i swear to god it was under your name, i started panicking and checking if it had your card and email as well but no, it was under my email and there wasnt even a card linked to the account, but for a good 5 minutes i thought id accidentally spent 8 dollars on pizza using your card, could you imagine? lolololol

chudblog 9: dreams

March 19, 2026

funny thing happened today, after last blog i took a nap, i wasnt feeling tired or anything i think i just needed some mental rest, anyways i feel asleep in like 10 minutes and had a really funny dream, real funny, in it i was playing roblox when i got a notification, you had added me as a friend, and you sent me a dm "hey, how are you?", it was the funniest thing ever because i panicked in my dream so hard that i actually woke myself up instantly, it felt real, i wish it had been.

chudblog 8: fanzines

March 19, 2026

we had to make fanzines in class today, its funny how they remind me of you, i think it was barely a month that you went around making fanzines for your comics, and yet they will forever remind me of you, you would have loved that class, i did as well as you would expect with my half-assed art skills so i mainly wrote in them, poetry of mine etc. ever since we broke up writing has taken up most of my free time, i dont wanna say it helped but i´ve certainly been on a creative streak since, i´ve written a handful of new songs, one that you probably would have liked very much in the style of limp bizkit, i didnt write it with them in mind, or you for that matter, it sort of just happened and i was like "huh this sounds just like limp" and so i kept writing the rest in their style, i hope you get to listen to it one day.

i hope you're having a good day

chudblog 7: piercings

March 19, 2026

amazingly, i managed to keep you out of my mind for a whole 40 minutes, i got up, got ready for college (as in got dressed because i didnt feel like a shower), brushed my teeth and left the house.

at some point in the car ride i started thinking about my snake bites, i think it was something about how everyone in my class has them but no one has the bead + spike combo i have, then i remembered how you gave me these piercings as a gift, i wasnt having a particularly bad day but thinking about our last month, our last anniversary, our last everything really put me down.

i hope your piercing reminds you of me too.

chudblog 6: hope you're ok

March 18, 2026

yesterday before bed i thought to myself "i wonder how long i can go without thinking about you", and i somehow remained optimistic i could get through at the very least the early morning without you crossing my mind, unfortunately i think i lasted barely 10 minutes, i was getting ready for college when i looked at the earrings you brought me from england, its funny because i hadnt worn them at all before you broke up with me, but since ive been wearing them daily, not because i miss you or anything, i mean i do but for whatever reason i´ve been feeling like wearing them.

i hope you´re doing alright.

chudblog 5: fallout

March 17, 2026

you know whats funny? somehow i thougt that if we spoke id feel better regardless of the outcome, that being told directly that i have no place in your life was something i could bare, that it would somewhat make me feel better, resolution, but it didnt, i scraped, begged and kneeled to you, and all i recieved was a cold numbness that i made you harbor myself, i regret talking to you, if i didnt maybe the next time we spoke would have been more pleasant, but it wasnt.

the thing you said about having something to offer stuck with me. "unless you have something good to offer dont look for me", you said that after i asked wether or not you wanted to keep contact, i took it as "someday when you sort your shit out", and i guess im ok with that, i dont know when that will be, if a time where im better than the person i've been for the past 6 years ever comes, if it does i hope you dont close the door on me.

im afraid that by the time i am exactly what you wanted of me you will have found it somewhere else already, and there will be no place for me in your life.

im afraid that i wont and you'll be stuck waiting for me

im afraid there wont be an us for the rest of our lives

chudblog 4: wondering

March 17, 2026

i've been wondering wether or not i should reach out to you, on one hand im dying to hear your voice again, to just get a sense of connection again, im afraid of losing you, that the more time that goes by without us being in contact the further apart we stray and the more you purge me from your life, its still a selfish feeling of course, after all thats what i am, but i feel like you understand, or i hope you do, i hope also dont want to loose me either,

i hope you dont want to loose me either

chudblog 3: i wonder

March 17, 2026

i really do wonder wether or not you stalk my social media like i do, i know that sounds pathetic but its weird, im selfish in wanting you to be hung up on me despite wanting all the best for you, but still i hope you pass by my page,

still i hope you think of me sometimes,

still i hope theres something else for us waiting.

chudblog 2: the chuddening

March 16, 2026

yeag, life hasnt been much better, its crazy to think how someone who's been your in life for the better part of 6 years can just, vanish, its been a month, a singular month since we broke up, barely 2 weeks since we last spoke and i cant belive this is what my life is going to look like for the foreseeable future.

it sounds ridiculous but im hoping we cross each other on the street, but at the same time im terrified of it. what do you mean i have to avoid you now? i cant run over to you and,

but i cant, and i wouldnt, because im too cowardly to, i just hope you're doing well.

sincerely, yours.

chudblog 1: yeag

March 16, 2026

uhhh hi

uhm,,