chudblog 33: dream

September 14, 2026

you know, somewhere in this blog theres a post talking about my fear of forgetting you, not what you look like or who you were in my life, but who you are as a person, your voice or the way you spoke, your laugh. i think i reached that point, this isnt the first time i've dreamt about you that's been like this but i've been holding off on writing anything, i've been trying my best to move on but i guess i cant.

anyways i dreamt i was in a school of some kind, our old classmates were there and i was friends with another trans guy? like he had come out after we started talking but he had morphed into you, as in he was starting to look just like you, but i saw you around and i had sat down in some random table and you sat near me, like just outside of my field of view but also right beside me, and idk what exactly you did but you pushed the table in some way that it made me fall, and i guess i took the chance to break no contact, i said "you owe me a chat because of this you know", and i guess we hit it off, again.

we spoke a little bit, nothing mayor, but you then left, messaged me giving me like, medical advice? and also told me like, hey. give me 5 hours before we really start talking again. i woke up shortly after

the thing is, it wasnt even you, it didnt sound like you, he sure as shit didnt act like you, it was somebody else. a different person, it was close enough that i could tell it was supossed to be you but he was different.

i really dont want to forget you, i wonder if you've already forgotten me, do i appear in your dreams sometimes? do you like it? i guess i do, i wonder what its been like for you, you've done a great job at making your online prescence reflect how happy and perfect your life has been lately, i guess you're trying your best to forget me

chudblog 32: poem

September 1, 2026

i thought id share this thing i wrote a couple days ago

11PM, monday or tuesday, i forget

you looked at me, "you always know what to tell me" you said.

"i know you too well" i said

and you paused for a second

...

"why did you bring me here?" i asked

"you miss this spot" you replied

...

"when did we go wrong" i asked

"when did we do right?" you replied

...

you held me, "this is what you wanted, right?" you asked

"yeah, i guess it is" i replied

...

"my hair is a little darker now, just so you know" you said

"i know" i said, "i like to rememeber you this way is all"

...

"are you waking up soon?" you asked

"i hope not" i said

...

"i hope not"

chudblog 31: message

September 1, 2026

if i messaged you, would you respond? better yet, would i like your response? i've been thinking a lot about it lately, its weird, half of me wants to believe you'll have the same courtesy i had with you, to give you a chance, but looking back everytime we've talked its because you approached me and i answered, because the times i aproached you i was blocked, humilliated and made fun of, so why would now be any different? i still want to try.

chudblog 30: blocked

September 1, 2026

uhh well you blocked me from spacehey today, i know it was today cuz i've been checking your page almost everyday hehe. im sorry. maybe you found this blog and realized i've been stalking your socials, i guess you dont realize you dont need an account to check profiles haha, im sorry thats creepy, i just miss you, i guess this is what you wanted no? to have me head over heels for you, to be jealous, needy and shit, idk. maybe you dont want me at all.

i was going to write about some other stuff but i guess that just, took me by surprise. ive been thinking about you, well i always have mind you its not like i've stopped its just been particularly strong lately, i've been thinking about calling you, writing you a message, sending you a friend request, but i dont, im not entirely sure why, i guess i just fear what you'll say, in a way i want to stay in this weird limbo instead of getting a final answer, somehow not the possibility that maybe if i message you things will work out is keeping me going, as miserable as my life is now. it keeps me moving, because if i did call you, if i did message, i might not like what i hear, and then what do i have to live for, right?

chudblog 29: beachwalk

August 16, 2026

funny, i checked ur spacehey (crazy i know) and the same day i posted your birthday blog you also posted something? in the same sort of, reflection style. we are so connected bro.. anyways i unblocked you lol yeah i know. i miss you, i really do, id have you anytime haha. come back? please?

chudblog 28: birthday

August 3, 2026

Today is August 3rd, 2026, you'll be 21 in 2 days, i wish i could wish you a happy birthday but im afraid doing so would result in a bad birthday, so im forced to keep my mouth shut, its been a month or so since we last spoke, since you turned me down, since we severed ties completely for the second time. i thought about unblocking you today, to shoot you a sign but it wouldnt be wise, i thought it twice and well. if im being honest im not entirely shure i want to at all anymore.

Im an incredibly selfish person it seems, i dont want you to be with anyone else but me but, looking back, our relationship wasnt a good one, it was never a good one. it had good times, beautiful times, but beneath them we had tons of problems brewing that we never resolved in a healthy way, i think now on those times with both melancholy and glee, im glad i spent so much time with you, id never take back what we had, we had it and it was beautiful while it lasted, but it had to ned.

Despite this, i still want you, why? why is it that despite knowing well what happened, what will happen, why is it that despite all things pointing to our relationship being bound to be toxic and unstable, why is it that i still want you, still need you, still feel uncomfortable with everybody else but you, i know what you'll say. "if thats the case why didnt you fight for me, why are you looking for other people instead of looking for me" and to that i have little reason to, you were bad for me as i was for you, i was unfair to you yes, but i just dont think you and me had a bright future ahead of us, i saw us getting married, having kids, living in some cottage out of the country, you and your art studio, living life to the fullest. but despite that i knew our relationship wouldnt last, you and i, we were bound to breakup, we're fundamentally different people trying to get the other, but we want different things, we love in different ways, and we see different things in each other.

You'll always be the love of my life, ill probably carry you deep somewhere in heart to my grave, i was thinking about dying recently, not in a suicidal way, a more philosophical way? stupid i know, anyways, i was thinking what i would like to hear before dying, what id do before i died if i had time to, and its always you, its always calling you, hearing you one last time, one last hug, one last conversation. it'll always be you.

Take care leon, i hope whatever you need finds you at the right time, you deserve it. as for me, ill be around, you know i always be. i love you forever.

chudblog 27: cut

July 24, 2026

i tried to cut myself today, couldnt bring myself to. ironic

chudblog 26: words

May 13, 2026

ok ok quick like, REALLY quick update, i been alright, dont wanna get too much into it but i may or may not be seeing the ex i've been crying about for the last 4 months so yeah, lifes fun,

chudblog 25: 25

April 22, 2026

i dreamt of you today, it was just a nap though, which is weird, i might have dreamt of you twice actually but i cant remember the first dream at all, all i remember is going to sleep beside you in your room, now in this other dream we were in a hotel room, we were tidying up the place in a bit of a hurry, as if the room was going to be analized or something, i got the pillow flat or whatever then went on to folding your clothes, i picked up a hoodie which seemed to be the exact model of that light blue/gray hoodie you have, the reversible one, just in gray scale, and i said something like "its crazy that you found another one of these" to which you responded "yeah, its the one im wearing in my tinder profile" then i explained how i had actually seen it before, i just couldnt tell you and wanted to act surprised this time now that we had "made up", to which you joked about how your profile was only up for like a couple hours and that it didnt surprise you that id seen it cuz i was crazy about you. i cant remember the exact way you said it but i remember it made me laugh, both in the dream and in my conciousness, like i somehow go it beyond the context of the dream without waking up?

anyways it morphed from there to something totally unrelated about a royal family having dinner but i just, i dont know, every dream i have of you is such a gutpunch, of course they are you know, its the only way i get to talk to you, but its not like with other people i know that they feel like they're from a dream, they talk different or treat me different, but with you? it may just be the amount of time i got to spend with you showing but everything you say, every little thing you do in those dreams just, feel like you spot on you know? like it doesnt feel like im talking to a dream version of you, it just feels like you, same humour and wit, everything, and i feel like thats why it hurts so much, because then i wake up and realize its a dream, because for whatever time i was dreaming it could plausibly be a real interaction between us, i dont know to be honest, i miss you ok? i fear one day these dreams are going to be further and further from you as a person, and that at some point its going to simply be an idealized version of who you were rather than this current one that feels so real, that even in my dreams i will loose you, but i guess its what i deserve

chudblog 24: 24

April 20, 2026

i tried snorting pills today, would not recommend, it didnt make my "high" any stronger and nor did it make it kick in faster, my nose just hurts like hell now,

chudblog 23: 23

April 19, 2026

i keep dreaming about you, as if nothing ever happened, it kills my mood instantly, like, i like dreaming about you, for a couple unconcious minutes after i wake up im back with you, as if we'd never broken up, then i remember and it all goes down the drain but still. hope ur okay

chudblog 22: 22

April 13, 2026

long time no see, weird huh? not even i registered how its been 2 weeks since that whole "thing" went down, its like going through the breakup all over again, uhhh i guess a little update is due, for starters things havent gotten much better, im still miserable, a bit calmer but still, uhhh i began taking pills, like, unprescribed drugs type, mmh, not proud of it but they help, somewhat, they make me feel numb, which is good i guess, usually alcohol or even weed to a degree make me feel worse eventually cuz the melancholy piles up and whatever, but wheenever i take these pills i go fully numb, i just drift slowly to sleep and thats that,

chudblog 21: 21

April 2, 2026

im never going to fin anybody like him ever agiain, i need him so bad, i wish i could just tell him to come over, to fix things, i need to be with j¿him, what am i supposed to do if im not with him i just need him in my life again please dont leave me like this im sorry please just come back im sorryplease

chudblog 20: update

April 2, 2026

he blocked me, i called him, he picked up, didnt say a word and hung up, i apologized via messenger, he didnt answer, he blocked me again.

i dont know what to do anymore, i cant do anything now, i dont want to live, i genuinely just want to die now, i miss him so much, why do i destroy everything good in my life, i deserve to die, i should just kill myself at this point

chudblog 19: dreams

April 2, 2026

i hope you dont think i've forgotten about you or anything you know? like i think of you every day even when i dont write a blog, everyday i fight the urge to reach out to you, or i guess need would be a better word, urge makes it sound weird, anyway.

i'll be honest, i am planning on calling you sometime soon, at least by next week, monday or tuesday, tuesday would be too on the nose though, you know it being exactly 3 weeks since we last spoke, i just dont think i can make it a full month, its starting to get really tough not to stalk you, i worry you think i moved on or something but honestly i fear more that you yourself have moved on, i thin kyou havent based on your reposts but who knows, an open wound bleeds for longer than it hurts i guess.

i like to think i have in fact something good to offer this time, i dont want to be unfair by reaching out and setting back your healing process but i think it to be a worthwhile endeavour in a sense, i promise.

chudblog 18: stuff

April 1, 2026

anyways, i noticed i still do that thing where if i think of you i kiss my pillow out of habit, its funny you know, near two months since we broke and i cant shake that off, i also noticed i keep checking my notifications hoping its you, not like truly hoping, like i check them then i think about how i wish it had been you, but it never is, haha.

i went downtown with my friends after uni, i was just looking to buy guitar strings and leave but they made me tag along to get hair dye at pichara, guess who thought about you the whole time haha, actually the whole time i was there i was waiting for you to show up out the corner of my eye, i just wanted to see you, at least from afar, i keep daydreaming about seeing you by chance and us locking eyes for the first time in months, we just stare at each other for a bit before dropping whatever it was we were doing and walking up to each other, i dont think its ever going to happen but hey, its a nice thought.

missing you, hope ur day went well

chudblog 17: dreams

April 1, 2026

you know what i dreamt last night? i was taking pictures in some weird mix of our old school, university and the beach, i was trying to get something to use as an album cover and in between that a marathon started, i tried taking some pictures but i saw you in the middle of it and i ran to my teacher to give him his camera back and get in the race, everyone was like power walking so i caught up to you not long after i joined, we didnt speak though, i stayed a couple of steps ahead of you looking back every so often, i dont remember this middle bit but eventually we were the last two in the race.

it turned into a sort of obstacle race as we walked through a kids playground, we looked in one of the slides and at the top there was a ball pit where every ball was a little club penguin toy, some offbrand and some real so we took a bunch of the real ones and kept going, we were nearing the end and it turned into a bunch of laboratory hallways sort of like that one hawkins map in dbd, anyways a final count or something started and the general idea was that if we didnt escape in time we would die or something, we managed to make it just in time through a portal or something and came out the other side by a rocky beach, there were a couple of shacks and a house in the distance but we went into the nearest one and inside were a bunch of clothes on the ground, a bed, some furniture and tons of clocks on the walls, we were familiar with this place as if we had lived there for some time, we just went into bed and slept, we didnt really talk much in my dream, i remember we spoke a little but i dont know what exactly was said.

chudblog 16: thoughts

March 30, 2026

hey, been a few days hasnt it? i havent been up to much honestly, mostly just hanging out, distracting myself, writing songs and putting off working on uni stuff hehe, i have 2 assingments due tomorrow that im ignoring by writing this, shouldnt surprise you, you know how lazy i am haha. anyways today i went to the hospital to get a blood test appointment that i should have gotten in february but then we broke up and march has been pretty much all over the place so just today i felt able to take the time to go and get it done, spent like 4 hours waiting because there were like 120 people before me and there was only one worker getting through them so yeah, 4 hours waiting in a line, anyways then i went to the mall and at first i was gonna walk from the hospital to the mall but since your campus is right there i didnt want to risk it so i just took a bus.

i guess i couldnt avoid you that well because i thought about you the whole time i was there, i went there mainly to get my debit card renewed but i guess a part of me was sort of, hoping you might be there? i didnt really have much to go off other than how your campus is across the street from the mall so maybe maybe you'd be there having lunch or something? it was very stupid of me honestly, like even if you had been there i would have just ran to avoid you, i've been thinking a lot about you, of course some of it is emotional, remembering the good times and whatnot, but more than anything i've been reflecting, this time apart really got me to see myself in a very different light, i didnt realize how i was hurting you by reaching out if you can believe it, and no it didnt take me 2 weeks to figure this out btw.

anyways i sort of had a lot of time today to think, and for once i dont feel depressed about what happened, i mean it still hurts but i can think about the time we shared good and bad without breaking down so thats progress, of course i wish we had more to share but i understand i wasnt right for you with how much you poured yourself out for me, i am thankful we got to share years of friendship and love with each other and if our story had an end, i choose to look back on it not with regret but with glee that i got to share my life with someone as amazing as you, truthfully, thank you.

chudblog 15: things

March 25, 2026

i dont have much for today honestly lol, i spent most of yesterday cleaning my room, getting rid of old clothes and what not, i found that denim shark bag you made me, i felt kinda dumb cleaning because i was always waiting to find something of ours, even if it were something small like a reciept or anything, i did find that "i love my autistic boyfriend shirt" though, i cant remember the last time i wore it but i do remember thinking about buying another one since the one i had was very worn, oh well.

i´ve been going to bed at reasonable hours lately, class start at 8am every day this semester so im kinda forced to go to bed by 11 or 12, sometimes it takes me a bit to fall asleep but the pills have been keeping me from staying up all night so thats good.

chudblog 14: things

March 24, 2026

its funny how we really are museums of everyone who we've ever loved, i´ve been noticing so many things i still do like you did for no reason, i still cook rice the same way you taught me, i've been getting ice cream on a cone instead of a cup, i still avoid manholes and stuff like you would and other stuff that i probably have so deep in my brain now that i dont even notice, i just thought it was interesting how i carry you in my step without thinking wether i want to or not, i´ll never get rid of you now will i? hehe

hope ur day goes well

chudblog 13: nightmare

March 23, 2026

i had a weird dream last night, more like a nightmare though, i was somewhere in an old west type of town, i was alone, and suddenly a huge explosion went off, nuclear, and after the initial blast i started running and running, i saw people dead or dying before i locked myself up in the attic of a random house, there i looked in the mirror and saw my skin was red, my eyes sunken and my hair falling in clumps, i grabbed my phone and tried calling someone, my mom picked up, she knew what had happened and all i could say to her was that i missed her, how much i missed her, i started to think about all the other people i wouldnt get to say goodbye to and the first that came to mind was you, i begged my mom to tell you id miss you as well but when i did she went quiet, and then the call got disconected, i was alone again, and so i sat there knowing that the last memory you'd have of me would be of pain and resentment.

i dont want the world to end before you and i get a proper goodbye.

chudblog 12: block

March 21, 2026

i noticed you unblocked me on my alt, i imagine you did because you couldnt unblock me on my main since its me who blocked you, anyways i unblocked you on my main, im not shure if it was the smartest choice but whatev

chudblog 11: miss

March 21, 2026

well, its been five days since we last spoke, though i've missed you a ton every single day today i woke up feeling particularly vulnerable, i dont really have an specific reason either, i didnt dream about you or anything, i guess i just miss you, period. i miss your smile, your laugh, our little inside jokes, i miss those little stickers you used to send that i could never figure where you found em, i miss how you´d place fries on my burger when i wasnt looking, i miss your touch, how you´d insist on picking me up, i wish i´d said yes every single time,

i wonder what you miss about me, if anything

chudblog 10: accident

March 20, 2026

i went to get pizza after class with my friends and i swear to god almost order it using your debit card, i mean not really but i thought i did, i was ordering the pizza like normal without thinking when i noticed the order wasnt going through so i went to check if there was something wrong with my account and i swear to god it was under your name, i started panicking and checking if it had your card and email as well but no, it was under my email and there wasnt even a card linked to the account, but for a good 5 minutes i thought id accidentally spent 8 dollars on pizza using your card, could you imagine? lolololol